Blog Whored: Katja/ paperstarfruit

I want to go to New York. Yesterday, it was a fact. I never thought I'd want to go to New York. It sort of feels like my family's evolution. We went from the old country (which was a bunch of countries, in actuality), to New York. Then my parents went from New York to Texas. From Texas, my parents wound up in California. It is my ultimate goal to find my way back to the old country (like I said, are actually a bunch of countries), but for now I want to go to New York. I feel like I'm regressing in my family's ideals, but that's not actually a bad thing.

Since I'm not in New York, or the old country, I settle for here. I have friends here. I have my imagination. So, sometimes the weather is nice enough to let me forget I hate the weather here. I go on adventures with friends, usually Jeanie or Katja. This adventure was with Katja. We went to this wildlife preserve/ housing area/ beach walking path to take pictures. Well, we went there so Katja could take pictures of me.

In her blog, Katja raved about me. My favorite line of the entire post dedicated entirely to me was, "Astrid is the person who got me interested in fashion. She introduced me to this whole new world, this subculture, to this whole fashion blogosphere." Some people may know, but my favorite thing to do is introduce people to the internet. I am quickly finding out that another joyful experience is teaching people to be as excited about fashion as I am. Katja started blogging and became interested in fashion because of me. It's in writing!

Yesterday I didn't feel too lively. It translated into my outfit, which consisted of black Clarks' heels, dark blue tights from TJ Maxx, a dark green and blue striped skirt from Gap, and a dark purple sweater from Gap. Katja was one of the people who tried to turn my day around, and succeeded for a time. During lunch she bought me a cookie, and then after school we had this adventure. My heels were covered in mud by the time we finished. We are hardcore art, fashion, and nature enthusiasts. Well, she is.

I love Katja. I love days when I can enjoy my home. I love the prospect of leaving, even if I am scared.

Your horoscope for February 3, 2010

You might find that things are coming to a climax in your life at this time, Elizabeth. Emotionally speaking, things may be getting intense as people become more and more critical of you and your actions. When it comes to matters regarding love and romance, avoid over-analyzing every single movement and spoken word to death. Stop taking the romance out of everything, and just enjoy the experience for what it is.

Astrid of Sweden

http://www.goldinuniverse.com/showprofile.asp?id=3/6/4/0/5/1/2/7/&name=Astrid

Things You Might Not Know:

1. Instead of a backpack, I use a messenger bag for school. It is bright yellow and says "Reading Is Sexy" which makes me sad because I don't read as often as I should.

2. I read and wrote a lot in my freshmen year, I read a lot in my sophomore year, and I barely read and wrote very little in my junior year. I am try, very hard, to read and write more often. I got through the first three chapters of Jane Eyre tonight, and it is quite an accomplishment.

3. My absolute favorite chore is doing my laundry. I refuse to do laundry for other people, and I hate when other people do my laundry. I was my hands after I touch my dirty clothing. But, the thrilling part is when I get to take the lint out of the screen in the dryer. I become far too excited about lint.

4. I painted a cup with a Purple Hippo and hearts on it.

5. I am very obsessive and compulsive, but the type where things have to feel right. I will hate you in you sneeze into your hands. I count when pouring water into bowls and glasses. When I grow up and live on my own, I will count my blessings every day for being able to keep my home the way it should be kept.

6. I think I'm cooler because I was an internet child. I understand the format of HTML, though I can't write it myself. I have spent years being a blogger. I can navigate forums, and have been a moderator on two forums. I have dear  friends all over the world who I met through the internet.

7. My favorite food is toast.

8. I am a tea snob. On a regular basis, I drink Yorkshire Tea.

9. I eat at least one apple every day.

10. People tell me I am clingy and needy. I am because I have low self-esteem. I don't like doing things on my own, and I like being guided through things because I don't trust myself to do anything right. I think the only true confidence I have is when I blog, but I can't even vlog.

11. I swear a lot.

12. My sense of smell is practically nonexistent. I have very sensitive hearing, but when I'm in a group of people I always find t difficult to hear. I have 20/ 13 vision (and that's why you should have voted me for "best" eyes.)

13. As a little girl, m favorite color was purple, but then I told myself to like blue because it was a more popular color.

14. I have always loved red hair. When I was little I would become entranced my hair dye commercials, the woman with the red hair and green eyes. I have also always loved freckles. When I was little, I would point out the light sprinkling of freckles on my nose to anyone who cared to look.

15. I used to carry around stuffed animals in public very frequently, but then I stopped. I realized it was bad for me to find it completely socially acceptable to carry around a stuffed elephant the size of my torso. I also used to talk to myself, not very often, but I did. I also stopped doing that because I knew it was abnormal.

16. A few years ago I counted the books I had. There were over three-hundred.

17. A year ago today, a boy asked me to be his girlfriend. I said really instead of yes, so then he said nevermind. Then he asked me again and I said yes.

18. Every year, our neighbors used to take us to see The Nutcracker. They have both died. But, I think it was in third grade, my dad and I were watching the orchestra pit when I heard a sound I loved. I asked him what instrument it was, and after a few minutes of trying to discern which I was referring, he told me it was a cello. In fifth grade when orchestra was offered in school, I cried and tried to not let anyone see.

19. I still receive holiday cards from my elementary school teachers. One has two kids, and when she was my teacher I caught her kissing her boyfriend on a school field trip. She ended up marrying him. 

20. I am terrified of birds. I especially hate pigeons and sea gulls, which many people are aware of. But, my most hated bird is the chicken. A chicken once bit my hand, and I think that started my phobia. When I became a vegetarian, I considered eating chicken one last time, out of spite.

21. I am terrified of goats and sheep. To this day, I cry when I go into a petting zoo. Like, seriously.

The extent of glamor in Marching Band.

I am going to take a few minutes to complain about my back.

In November 2008, I began to have back problems. It was the end of my first season of marching band, and toward the end it became difficult to carry my drum. My back would get stiff very quickly, and it cracked frequently. It didn't hurt all the time, though.

For winter percussion, I continued drumming and was put on a drum larger than my first. I had to wear a brace because I couldn't stand up on my own. Despite my worsening back pain, I continued playing. My drumming improved, I had a boyfriend, and I loved my friends in the drumline. Everyone who marched my drum had back pain.

Marching band season began again in July, I kept drumming. I was put on my original drum, but it was much more difficult. My back always hurt, at this point in time. It hurt to bend down, and my back would crack all the time. Toward the end of the season, I was put on the bigger drum. My original drum weighed about twenty pounds, so I assume the bigger drum weighed about thirty.

The day after marching band championships, I went to New York for a week. I fell asleep on the flight and didn't wake up until we landed. My back hurt so much; I couldn't stand up straight. For the next three days, I walked around with a hot water bottle. It was then I decided marching for another season wasn't worth it.

As time passed, the pain continued and worsened. Sometimes my back hurts so much I can't move. It cracks all the time. I came to the conclusion that I would have back pain for the rest of my life. Sometimes I cannot lie down flat on my back because it hurts to relax. My back swells about once a week, like it did today.

Friday I went to see my doctor about my back. I thought there must be something for the pain. After feeling my spine and poking in various places, my doctor referred me to get an x-ray. Six hours later I found out I have a stress fracture in my lower back, and I nearly have a different type of fracture in my shoulder blades. Once my insurance approves it, I'll have an MRI to confirm it's nothing more serious. Then I'll be put on medication for pain and supplements to strengthen my bones, and I'll start physical therapy. If it's something more serious, then I'll have to have surgery.

I'm old.

"The promised land (land is always a mother symbol) is described as 'flowing with milk and honey.' Milk is the symbol of the first aspect of love, that of care and affirmation. Honey symbolizes the sweetness of life, the love for it and the happiness in being alive. Most mothers are capable of giving 'milk,' but only a minority of giving honey, a mother must not only be a 'good mother,' but a happy person-and this aim is not achieved by many. The effect on the child can hardly be exaggerated. Mother's love for life is as infectious as her anxiety is."

-The Art of Loving

I used to say my iMac was my soul mate.

Sometimes, I feel like I will never be able to rely on anyone. People have this tendency to let other people down. Dogs don't always respond when they've been called. Cats actively dislike me, by spraying my shoes.

The thing is, even when I try to branch out, I just become dependent on new people. Let's think about this.

Starting in September 2008, I became dependent on Chris. He was the only person in Biotech who knew about what had happened in Biology class just two years before. I clung to him for support, which turned into friendship. The friendship then became dependence. Somewhere in the same period as being dependent on Chris, I shared my neediness with the band. This lasted until July, when Chris and I broke up. For a while, I was still dependent on the band but then it became difficult. In November, I broke up with the band and became very dependent on individual friends. Now I am beginning to see who my friends are dependent on, truly loyal to. I see that I am nothing more than a thoughtless, disappointing, burden to the victims I choose as my support.

The other night, I cried to Crystal. I was dependent on her in eighth grade, and afterward we never regained that. But, still, we have some sort of bond. Whenever either of us is terribly sad and lost without a doubt, we turn to each other. The day I realized Chris and I were over, I told her. The other night when I felt my new supports ending, I called her.

She said I couldn’t think of life as a series of losses. Sometimes things don't go as well as we intend. I shouldn't think of my past as a mistake, rather just something to build on. Life is not a series of losses. The only person I can rely on, be dependent upon, is myself. For even when I let myself down, I can't leave.

This new viewpoint is difficult for me. I am a social creature. I like spending time with people and being around people and watching people. I like becoming close to people. To the people I recently feel distanced from; I do not know how to manage a balance of friendship without reliance.

Through all of this, I think to myself, 'I can't wait to leave.'

Then, it hit me. I know where to find true belonging. In a pair of boots. The pair of boots. In my opinion, a girl needs a pair of boots. Not just any pair, though. Every girl should have a pair of soul mate boots. I don't know how else to put this, or explain it less psychotically.

I just think boots are a necessity for any middle-class or above girl. I don't mean boots that look like slippers or rain boots, but a pair of stylish and functional boots. Some people like lace-up, combat boots. Others like over the knee boots with four-inch heels. There is something in-between, and I think that is where I land.

 

For the longest time, meaning since July when I became a fashion freak, I have looked for my soul mate boots. I think part of the problem is that I expect The One to just pop out. Whenever I look in stores or online, there are plenty of boots that are nice enough but nothing pops. Maybe if I knew what I was looking for I could find what I want.

In this TV show I watch, Being Erica, the main character (Erica) works for a publishing company. She's editing a book called The None. It is about love. The plotline is that instead of looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right now, people need to realize that relationships have two-sides. There will never be a Mr. Right unless you're a Ms. Right.

This leaves me with a few questions, though. How does one acclimate to a pair of boots? I cannot shrink my feet, in theory. And, since I cannot adapt to a pair of boots, what if I never find The One? What if, just like my actual soul that is destined to stay locked up in myself, my soles are destined to roam in shoes that are merely protection from the harsh world?

Maybe, though, I just need more time to look. Maybe, I will find The One and the right pair of boots will fall under my glance. Maybe, my soles will be well cared for. Maybe, my soul just needs time to figure out how to fit in, despite only belonging to me.

Today, I feel like Elle.

This is what I look like when spending the day doing chores.

I love this nail polish. A friend lent it to me. It looks just like the shade The Clothes Horse wears.

I'm just popping by to send out some SFE emails. I slept away the day, and now it feels like my day has just begun. I have so much to do before tomorrow evening. I must clean my room because I have yet to ask about the ABQ. My parents would undoubtedly say no if my room is still the mess it is.

My bedroom is a mass of clothing, basically. This is appalling, but I am still living out of my suitcase. I have clothes piled into the suitcase I took with me to New York in November. My drawers are open and filled with wrinkled, unfolded clothes. My desk and chair are piled with clothing. My closet is organized, though. It was so packed with clothing I could not fit anything in, so I spent a few hours pulling out the hangers not weighed down with clothing. Then I grabbed the clothing I never wear. Now I have room in the closet. Now I just need room to walk.

For the few people who read my blog, what is a fashionable way to wear jeans? It is funny because Second Skin just blogged about rarely wearing jeans. Tomorrow, I am teaching Sunday school. The most practical thing to wear would be pants, since there will be much bending down and sitting in awkward places/ positions. I only one pair of dress pants, which happen to be ill-fitting, and a few pairs of jeans. I would like to impress my temple members and show off the few ounces of style I have, but I am at a loss for jeans. Whenever I wear jeans to school, it just feels uninspiring. How do you make jeans attractive? Even Second Skin didn't make me jump for joy at the prospect of wearing jeans. That says a lot because she has made me lust over faux fur. If she can't convince me that jeans are the way to go, then I don't know what will.