Today, my secret admirer gave me flowers. Two synthetic roses. Everyone asked who they were from, and I told them quite happily. I skipped around the classroom in my awkward, jerky movements I make when clearly excited.
Then I ran off to find my secret admirer and tell him off. How dare he give me roses? The entire point of a secret admirer is that he's a secret! If he starts giving me flowers, then people will know who he is. If I let him give me flowers, the next step will be serenading me in the hallways! That simply will not do. How could he ever be so reckless and exceedingly bold?
Or, maybe, I am sad. Maybe I went to class and saw my friend had forgotten the flowers her boyfriend gave her. Maybe I skipped around to go find her and return them. Maybe I just found the idea of someone giving me flowers quite exhilarating. Maybe I have wanted a boy to give me flowers ever since seventh grade.
But, that's only maybe.
Maybe, someday, a boy will really give me flowers. Not a secret admirer, or a fallacy, but a real boy who really likes me. Maybe he'll give me real flowers; like sunflowers, tulips, or maybe even roses. Maybe I'll be able to walk around with the flowers all day and feel significant. Maybe he'll give me flowers more than once, but not so often it's not special. Maybe it will be wonderful, or it could be terrible.
Maybe the flowers would wilt. Maybe I would drop them and they would be ruined, or someone would bump into me and crush them. Maybe he would look at the flowers and look at me and think I'm not very wonderful anymore. Maybe I will have forgotten to take my allergy medicine, like I did today, and the flowers will make me unhappy. Maybe, no one will ever give me flowers.
But, maybe it could be wonderful.
But, that's only maybe.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Yesterday, the second, marked 100 days to graduation.
The kids going to UC's don't start school until August, September, or whenever. One of the schools I was accepted to has orientation in mid-July. Another school, the school I just got a $12000 yearly grant from, has orientation the day I come back from Europe. I have 104 days until I go to Europe to only come home long enough to be able to leave again.
104 days until everything changes. I have goosebumps whenever I think about it. I waited so long. It was so long. Sometimes I cry thinking about how long this was, and how difficult it was to get here. Now, the end is in sight. I can leave and never come back. I never have to go back to where it happened or see any of those people again. I never even have to see my friends or my house again. Finally, my past will just be part of me and not something I face every day. I won't be stuck, trapped here.
I cry knowing that in 104 days what once seemed unattainable will have been conquered.
Lately, I have pondered the expression that good things leave to make room for greater things. I wonder how that applies to my life. Does it imply that great things become good things? What about things that in unarguably bad? In the most recent context, I wonder if it applies. I wonder if Marching Band left me with a broken heart, a cracked spine, and a feeling of abandonment so I could pick myself up again and find Journalism. Is Journalism the great thing to make up for Marching Band? Was Marching Band, my rock in junior year, merely a good thing?
Every morning, Journalism class makes me prepared for the day. I feel accomplished when I turn in articles, I learn when advanced staff reviews my articles with me, and I have a purpose in trying to change the way my peers view our school. I laugh with the kids in the class, and we accept each other. When I spent time with just four of them, I had felt like I had gone on a greater adventure than I have in months. Journalism might be the path I want to follow in life.
I heard this expression a few months ago, through my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. I never wrote about that ... calamity-like situation, and I never intend to. But, it was a turning point. Anyway, she wanted that to be her senior quote. I remember wondering if she thought my ex-boyfriend was the great thing she gained from her ex-boyfriend. I remember scoffing because I know he won't be a great thing for her. He isn't a great thing for himself. Spite aside, the expression has floated through my mind.
99 days to graduation. 104 days to Germany.
104 days until everything changes. I have goosebumps whenever I think about it. I waited so long. It was so long. Sometimes I cry thinking about how long this was, and how difficult it was to get here. Now, the end is in sight. I can leave and never come back. I never have to go back to where it happened or see any of those people again. I never even have to see my friends or my house again. Finally, my past will just be part of me and not something I face every day. I won't be stuck, trapped here.
I cry knowing that in 104 days what once seemed unattainable will have been conquered.
Lately, I have pondered the expression that good things leave to make room for greater things. I wonder how that applies to my life. Does it imply that great things become good things? What about things that in unarguably bad? In the most recent context, I wonder if it applies. I wonder if Marching Band left me with a broken heart, a cracked spine, and a feeling of abandonment so I could pick myself up again and find Journalism. Is Journalism the great thing to make up for Marching Band? Was Marching Band, my rock in junior year, merely a good thing?
Every morning, Journalism class makes me prepared for the day. I feel accomplished when I turn in articles, I learn when advanced staff reviews my articles with me, and I have a purpose in trying to change the way my peers view our school. I laugh with the kids in the class, and we accept each other. When I spent time with just four of them, I had felt like I had gone on a greater adventure than I have in months. Journalism might be the path I want to follow in life.
I heard this expression a few months ago, through my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. I never wrote about that ... calamity-like situation, and I never intend to. But, it was a turning point. Anyway, she wanted that to be her senior quote. I remember wondering if she thought my ex-boyfriend was the great thing she gained from her ex-boyfriend. I remember scoffing because I know he won't be a great thing for her. He isn't a great thing for himself. Spite aside, the expression has floated through my mind.
99 days to graduation. 104 days to Germany.
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