Post from Xanga: May 10

My bedroom is like a tiny, little box. It's cluttered with things from my  few hippos to hundreds of dollars in jewelry, and even more books. It adds up to make me. Remnants of Harry Potter, and so much makeup and clothing. Dirty laundry lies on the floor, and old letters and passed notes and trinkets are hidden in boxes in my closet.

Tonight, my dad said to me, "She thinks I don't love her."
"You don't love her, I replied." We were talking about my mom.
"You know that, and I know that, but she only suspects that." He paused, but only for a breath. "I do love her, I'm just not in love with her."

He told me about how bitter my mom is, and that we both owe her a lot. But, I shouldn't live with so much guilt, and I shouldn't sob over her guilt tripping me for asking my dad to do the dishes.

"Four years ago, you stopped talking to us," he began. When I stopped talking, I became angry and hostile with them. And, he knows I went through something in school, but I stopped talking to them and chose to handle it on my own. He acknowledged that I handled it pretty well, but "You have to stop blaming us. You have to stop blaming us for something that we couldn't have helped, that wasn't our fault. It wasn't our fault or your fault, and you have to let go of that anger."

It all went out into the open. He doesn't love my mom. My mom is a resentful, bitter person. I blame them for something they couldn't have stopped or helped.

High school ends in a month exactly. I graduate on June tenth.

Originally, I was going to write about how I don't want time to pass this way. How I lived two years in silence and on autopilot, and I feel it returning. Each morning it feels like a chore to get up. The highlights of my days are never great enough, so they just melt into the monotony. Each night I become progressively more tired and bored and so tired. I feel it. The way I put all my focus into one aspect of my life, like prom. Then everything else melts away, and I just devote myself to the single cause. In freshman year, Rupert Grint occupied my mind constantly.

I feel the last moments of high school collapsing into a lackluster haze I will one day regret not better spending. Then, all at once, my internal problems cease to amuse me. I forget to be self-involved and gossipy, and I am thrust into the reality of my life.

While crying over my mom, I said I didn't want to go to prom anymore. I don't. My dress and my shoes are tainted by the bitterness my mother pelted at the silk, and now my gown reminds me of hatred. I don't know if I will go. It would hurt Eugene if I didn't.

Prom was my motivation. Once I graduate I'm going to leave the county. Then, I will return home and attend a local college, where I will stay for an undetermined amount of time. Meanwhile, the marriage of my parents has reached its peak, and I have waited for this all my childhood. They're both so tired and angry that they can only avoid it through spending hours watching television, a success if they can stay in the same room. And, I see it happening and I have used the same words my father used.

They also know. They know I blame them and I haven't forgiven them. I don't know how to stop blaming them. I know it's irrational and wrong, but they are still my parents. A child thinks his or her parents are invincible, and they will always be protected by their magical parents. I never left that mentality. It still feels like, every time they have an opinion on my life, that they have no rights to these thoughts. I made myself the person I am today, and I to through the worst time of my life, with so little help. They don't deserve to be part of my future. I'm still angry. I still blame them. I don't know how to let go.

High school ends in exactly a month. I thought things were going to be easier than this. That, somehow, I had made it and things would fall into place. Surprises of surprises, I was wrong.

Thirty-one days, and I don't know what comes after that.

Quick update for all the people who don't read this blog.

1. The school music teacher engraved my personal cello with a school barcode. He held my cello hostage (had it repaired) for three weeks, and I cried when it was given back.
2. The German came and left. She and I did and did not get along. It was quite complicated. On a personal level we got along, but on a social level we are very different people.
3. I am not leaving state for college, which was my dream (my primary motivation throughout high school). I have spent the past week pondering the meaning of life and crying a lot.
4. I have started reading a lot of cooking blogs. I'm baking something for all the high school teachers who impacted me. I like cooking and baking, especially for other people.
5. I stopped taking pictures (and blogging here) because I am really quite lazy. Sometimes I wear an outfit that I really like and think, 'Damn, I wish I could post this.' I could, but I don't because no one except for myself cares.