Aloha.

I saw Selene, my former therapist. The plan was to update her on what has happened in my life since I last saw her, over a year ago. Then I would fill her in on the few, but significant struggles I am now encountering.

It took almost the full hour of the session to update her on my life. Even then, I skipped things and forgot things. I made a list of everything I wanted to tell her; even with the list I managed to omit things. By the time I expanded on my problems, we only had ten minutes left.

She wanted me to see her again. She made an appointment for me on the seventh of January. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back. Now I am sure I don't. The more I think about it, the less I want to go. My primary reason for seeing her again was to tell her about my life. It was selfish to want to talk about my problems, especially because I wasn't looking for help but rather just to share.

I took the appointment, though. I was unsure of what I wanted, so I kept the option open. When my mom asked if I would see Selene again, I said no. Even if I did go, I wasn't going to tell my parents. I am sure I don't want to go, and I don't know how to communicate this to Selene. If I just don't go, it will be a waste of her time and she will call my house. If I call and have to leave a message, she will call back. If I call, I will have to speak to her. I don't want to. Maybe I have her email address. She wrote my appointment date and time on the back of a business card. I will check.

There are loose ends. I will have to rewrite her birthday and Christmas card. Then I will have to mail that to her. I just don't want to see her again. When I stopped seeing her in my sophomore year, I made a promise to myself that I was going to handle life on my own.

It will soon be time for me to be a grownup girl. I spent hours applying to colleges yesterday. I may not go to college, but I have done it. Either way, I am leaving my home within the year of 2010. If I don't get into college, I might just stay in Europe.

After the German exchange, I'm going to Spain. I hope Katja will be able to come, but her mom said she could only stay an extra week. We will see how negotiations progress throughout the year, though. I have relatives in England, and a good friend of my mom's lives in Spain. My mom was the one to suggest I go to Spain, and then she recalled our relatives in England. If we're traveling to England and Spain, might as well stop in France and maybe Italy.

All I have are ideas. One idea I have is that if I'm a grownup girl, then I need to know how to cope on my own. This isn't to say I can't rely on friends. I can, and I do. But, there is a difference between having friends to talk to and hiring someone to talk to.

I am not seeing Selene again. I will always be grateful for how she helped me, but never again can I use her as a stepping-stone in recovery or just progressing as a person. If I ever see her again, it will be in December 2010.