The thing is, even when I try to branch out, I just become dependent on new people. Let's think about this.
Starting in September 2008, I became dependent on Chris. He was the only person in Biotech who knew about what had happened in Biology class just two years before. I clung to him for support, which turned into friendship. The friendship then became dependence. Somewhere in the same period as being dependent on Chris, I shared my neediness with the band. This lasted until July, when Chris and I broke up. For a while, I was still dependent on the band but then it became difficult. In November, I broke up with the band and became very dependent on individual friends. Now I am beginning to see who my friends are dependent on, truly loyal to. I see that I am nothing more than a thoughtless, disappointing, burden to the victims I choose as my support.
The other night, I cried to Crystal. I was dependent on her in eighth grade, and afterward we never regained that. But, still, we have some sort of bond. Whenever either of us is terribly sad and lost without a doubt, we turn to each other. The day I realized Chris and I were over, I told her. The other night when I felt my new supports ending, I called her.
She said I couldn’t think of life as a series of losses. Sometimes things don't go as well as we intend. I shouldn't think of my past as a mistake, rather just something to build on. Life is not a series of losses. The only person I can rely on, be dependent upon, is myself. For even when I let myself down, I can't leave.
This new viewpoint is difficult for me. I am a social creature. I like spending time with people and being around people and watching people. I like becoming close to people. To the people I recently feel distanced from; I do not know how to manage a balance of friendship without reliance.
Through all of this, I think to myself, 'I can't wait to leave.'
Then, it hit me. I know where to find true belonging. In a pair of boots. The pair of boots. In my opinion, a girl needs a pair of boots. Not just any pair, though. Every girl should have a pair of soul mate boots. I don't know how else to put this, or explain it less psychotically.
I just think boots are a necessity for any middle-class or above girl. I don't mean boots that look like slippers or rain boots, but a pair of stylish and functional boots. Some people like lace-up, combat boots. Others like over the knee boots with four-inch heels. There is something in-between, and I think that is where I land.
For the longest time, meaning since July when I became a fashion freak, I have looked for my soul mate boots. I think part of the problem is that I expect The One to just pop out. Whenever I look in stores or online, there are plenty of boots that are nice enough but nothing pops. Maybe if I knew what I was looking for I could find what I want.
In this TV show I watch, Being Erica, the main character (Erica) works for a publishing company. She's editing a book called The None. It is about love. The plotline is that instead of looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right now, people need to realize that relationships have two-sides. There will never be a Mr. Right unless you're a Ms. Right.
This leaves me with a few questions, though. How does one acclimate to a pair of boots? I cannot shrink my feet, in theory. And, since I cannot adapt to a pair of boots, what if I never find The One? What if, just like my actual soul that is destined to stay locked up in myself, my soles are destined to roam in shoes that are merely protection from the harsh world?
Maybe, though, I just need more time to look. Maybe, I will find The One and the right pair of boots will fall under my glance. Maybe, my soles will be well cared for. Maybe, my soul just needs time to figure out how to fit in, despite only belonging to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment